The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
