i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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