dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
