Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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