I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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