I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
