So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
