so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
