I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
