just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
