Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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