I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
