She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
