and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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