What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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