Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
