whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
