So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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