Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
