You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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