Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
