If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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