my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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