I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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