It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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