wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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