You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
