chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sobbing to NWA
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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