i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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