yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
