so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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