I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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