it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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