ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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