True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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