My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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