I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
