The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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