her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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