moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
