I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
