So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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