tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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