Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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