i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
