We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
