just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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