Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
