Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
