I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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