My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
