It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
