so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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