dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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