I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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