i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
