She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize