We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
