hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
