I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
