he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
