just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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