please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
porn star boner night. come get it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
