My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
